Today is National Coffee Day. Well it’s actually on October 1 or September 29, but I have a tendency to make up my own national holidays like, Chocolate Covered Anything Day, Organize Your Home Day, Lost Sock Memorial Day. |
| Coffee is one of the best things in my life. It’s officially a full-blown lifestyle; a complex and nuanced experience. Besides, anything I lavish with attention will become a portal on the meaning of life. After all, we are defined by our passions. Starting the day with coffee helps me to remember things like how to say words and put on pants. I never speak until shots of espresso have been thrown back like tequila. Then things really start to percolate. |
| It all began at about age 3 when my mother gave me percolated coffee laden with white sugar and thick cream, and pressed a cup into my tiny little hands to hopefully keep me satisfied and quiet as she worked in the garden. I understood the deal immediately—if I stayed in my baby cage on wheels, I would be rewarded with something really tasty that had a straw. Sold. |
| Since then I’ve had coffee all over the world. A café con leche in Seville, a cortado in Buenos Aries, a cappuccino at Pike Place, a Turkish coffee in Paris (that kept me awake for three days, as I lack the gene that allows me to fall asleep at the infusion of caffeine), a flat white in Adelaide, a Vienna coffee in the historic Cafe Frauenhuber, an Irish coffee in Galway, an expresso in Lisbon, a café de ollacafé in Ixtapa, a cafe cubano in Havana, a kopi tubruk in Bali, a yuanyang in Hong Kong, a frappe in Athens, a batch brew in the famous Cafe Louvre in Prague, a café au lait on Bourbon Street in New Orleans…but unfortunately, a coffee in London was just toasted milk. |
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| I have to tell you. The other day while I was having my cappuccino in Starbucks, I saw this guy. He didn’t have an iPhone, iPad, or a laptop. He was just sitting there. Drinking coffee. Like a sociopath. Legend has it that coffee’s great potential was discovered by an Ethiopian goat herder who noticed how strung out his goats were after eating the coffee berry, and wouldn’t sleep at night. A fate befallen a lot of us. |
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| Now here’s the million dollar question. Will skip buying a coffee make me a millionaire? Esteemed economists vehemently advise against buying your grande cinnamon dulce latte everyday—which is absolutely an item that people still purchase and the place at which they purchase it—because it costs $alot.95 Now, if I have the math right, the median price of a home in the Calgary is around $567,900, which means that if you just skipped your one coffee per day, you could save up enough cash to buy your dream house in just over three hundred years. (Although, by that time, the median home price will probably be closer to one or two quadrillion dollars—so you might want to skip your twocoffees a day.) If you also stop smoking, you could probably save gobs more. They also advise to save at least 20% of your income for retirement. You should also put 25% of your income into an emergency fund, 30% into the stock market, 19% into a college fund for your children, and 17% toward self-help books. It may seem like that doesn’t leave a whole lot of wiggle room for other expenses, but don’t worry—you won’t even notice those missing six million dollars. |
| Now there is a crucial skill to penny-pinching. Ask any doctor about the secret to weight loss, and they’ll say a great first step is to take the stairs. I think the same goes for saving money. Not only is avoiding elevators scientifically proven to make you healthy and saving doctor visits, but scaling thirty-six stories every day will teach you to withstand incredible amounts of prolonged discomfort. I mean, you can’t argue with science. |
| But as an esteemed interior designer/stylist/stager/medium-heavy furniture mover, I came up with some better tips to not further separate you from financial security, because the thought of being deprived of something you really enjoy is obviously not that appealing. After all, it’s all about what sparks joy. Ask for a raise. Qualify for a side hustle, like taking up harbinger embroidery or making car detailing videos. unwanted items. There are Web sites, such as NeverLikedItAnyway.com, that will buy your ex’s leavings, ranging from engagement rings to “Golden Girls” socks. Or any collection amassed in the nineties. Have a garage sale: a testament to the hours of preparation it takes to make $35. Consign any clothes that look better on your couch than on you, or in a colour that does not do anyone any favours. Become a professional sleeper. You may even get a new sleep mask or prototype pillow for your time. Wait in line for someone…for a concert ticket, a new gadget, or a parking permit renewal. Plus, you can listen to acerbic podcasts pontificating on camper van holidays while you wait. |
| P.S. Always tip your barista. By the way, if anyone is in the market for a Betamax… |
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